I’ve been debilitated by a lot of feelings, but none have done it quite like anxiety has. Nothing has knocked me off my feet over and over again with that mighty of a force with no rhyme or reason all while being invisible to everyone else.
And I can’t see it either, but oh I can feel it. It’s not like any of the other feelings that have impaired me in the past.
It’s different because heartbreak has sat lonely in my chest, but anxiety crushes it with all of its weight.
Betrayal has stung but at least it taught me the truth about people while my anxiety lies to my face and teaches me seemingly nothing.
Longing has left me with a temporary ache that feels like it doesn’t belong while anxiety leaves me weary when I don’t feel it twinge from within me every hour that I’m awake and even when I’m not.
Disappointment has let me down but anxiety has kept me there for long unknown periods of time that feel like they might never end.
I’m scared even now that it won’t and the hardest part about it’s powerlessness is my lack of ability to explain it without feeling like a fool because it’s a lot easier to justify crying because of a broken heart or a blatant disappointment than it is to justify crying and not knowing why you are.
How am i supposed to explain staying home because something just doesn’t feel right and it hasn’t for a long time. Even when you should feel “happy” and “good.”
How am I supposed to defend the need to leave when the room starts spinning for no reason and my head starts spinning out of control because of it?
How am I supposed to justify being quiet and pushing away even when it makes you alone, because being lonely is easier than being misunderstood.
I’ve never been debilitated by any feeling like I have anxiety and for some reason I feel the need to make it seem light even though it’s the heaviest thing I’ve ever felt.
KM