I feel the most alone I’ve ever felt in my life while pregnant, which makes no sense because I’m never actually alone. I have a whole life growing inside of me. Kicking. Moving. Depending on me for everything.
Yet somehow, I still feel isolated in a way I can’t explain. Despite a supportive spouse and two crazy, but amazing and excited soon-to-be big brothers. It also makes me feel so incredibly selfish and ungrateful. This was never supposed to be possible. It wasn’t expected. It wasn’t prayed for. But it is a blessing we didn’t know we needed. I shouldn’t feel all the hard, right?
People think pregnancy is all excitement and glowing skin. And it is exciting (glowing skin hasn’t happened yet 🙂 ) But nobody really tells you about the quiet parts. The moments you cry in the shower. The anxiety that comes out of nowhere. The feeling you can’t quite describe both physically and emotionally. The overwhelming dread of so many doctors with a high-risk pregnancy. The unreturned phone calls and the urge to both be fiercely independent out of spite and the reality that we all want to be seen and loved.
I’m never alone, but I’ve never felt more alone. The appointments. The fear. The changes. The questions that shouldn’t feel so dumb about asking and googling instead of having someone to ask. The weight of every “what if.” The feeling when you hold your breath when it feels like your body is the problem and may fail your child. The fear of the unknown and the high probability of giving birth alone because of the needs of your family.
Pregnancy is beautiful, but it is the loneliest journey I’ve ever walked. I may be crazy and dramatic. Okay, we all know I am both of those things. But, I’m also a human that is overwhelmed at times.
Blessings are sometimes battles. I am learning that both things can exist at once. Growing a miracle child inside of me can be both a blessing and a battle. I think that is okay. Joy and sadness can exist at the same time. Fear and excitement. Anxiety and unexplained peace.
Becoming a mom to my two boys each came with unique struggles, trials, and lessons. The journey leading to having a daughter is proving to be no different.
Tripp’s story taught me patience and trust.
Jon’s taught me what love really means and how to do hard things.
So far, my journey to having a little girl has taught me a lot too.
Different stories, same beautiful mix of joy, growth, and grace.
I also have learned I need a nap…like all the time 🙂
KM 🙂