I wish I had a fantastic and huge announcement. I wish that I could say that last several weeks was just a mistake. I wish I could tell you we have answers. I wish I could tell you I was confident that little man was never leaving.
I can’t do that. I have no answers yet. I have no direction since our world nearly fell apart.
My heart is anxious. Anytime my phone rings, I get nervous. I check my email more times in a day than I should. Between a newborn and checking on Little Man 5-6 times a night, I am not sleeping. I feel my body wearing down. I am tired.
This week has been different though. I made a choice that I would pray more about it than I vent about it. I made a choice to take my anxious thoughts captive and to not allow the paranoia take over. It is much easier said than done, but I’m trying.
Many times in my life, I thought that praying for yourself was selfish. I thought that focusing on your own situations was selfish. I have realized that isn’t the case at all. It is okay to pray bold prayers. It is okay to ask for big things. It is okay to pray for him to be my son and for it to happen soon. That is not selfish. We are allowed to pray bold prayers.
I believe the only thing that can change this situation is the hand of God himself. I do believe that God can move mountains. I do believe that because God listens to our prayers, we still have hope. That is the only thing we can cling to.
In the days leading up to his first birthday, my heart is feeling many things. Pure joy. Anxiety. Unconditional love. Fear. We will be surrounded by friends and family to celebrate his first year of life. A small part of me will be afraid that it will be the only birthday we only celebrate together.
I don’t have many other words. It is an impossible situation. I again ask that our friends and family join me in praying bold prayers. Pray boldly that we will be a family.
Koko