About two weeks before Christmas, I received a text message from a friend I haven’t talked to in a few months. We live several hours apart now so we rarely see each other, but we do talk and catch up when life slows down a bit. My friend is still a newlywed and was very excited to tell me she is pregnant and the baby is due this summer. This particular friend and I had done a ton of life together and I am beyond excited for her whole family. I can’t wait to meet the little one and see my friend as a mother.
After the conversation, I felt something inside me that I haven’t felt for so long. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I didn’t want to admit it. I felt the horrible pang of envy and sadness. I felt so incredibly sad in that moment. Grief of that loss took over me again. I was also kind of ashamed I felt that way. I did not want to admit that I felt this way for many reasons, but healing begins when feelings are hidden.
As I mentioned already, I had not felt these feelings for awhile. I thought that I had already grieved the fact that I can’t conceive biological children. Being infertile is very emotionally hard. Women were made to help create children (yes, and lots of other things) and not being able to do that is mentally and emotionally challenging. I definitely went through times when I felt my worth was lower because my body failed me.
I was angry at myself that I had these feelings of deep sadness when my friend told me she was pregnant. Some part of me feels like I shouldn’t feel this way, because even though I can’t conceive a biological child, I do have a son. I have a beautiful and wonderful son. I’m madly in love with him. I don’t really care that our DNA doesn’t match. That has never mattered to me. He is my son. Adoption has been the greatest gift of my life so I didn’t want to admit my sadness because I didn’t want to take away from that. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or that Tripp isn’t my greatest blessing.
I first learned that I probably could not have children early in college. It was hard to think about, but it did not really sink in until I was engaged to Ryan. I did tell him right after we were engaged. I gave him an out if he didn’t want to get married. To some men, that is very important and could be a deal breaker. I felt so lucky and loved when Ryan said he wanted to marry me and it didn’t matter if I could conceive or not. We talked about adoption early on. We were married in 2017, started fostering in 2018 and finally adopted Tripp in March 2020.
Throughout our foster care journey my life has been completely rocked. I’ve been stretched further than I ever thought possible. I am who I am because we chose to foster and adopt. One choice led to a lifetime of learning and growth and it was made possible by infertility. I have also met amazing people that have become family through this process.
I don’t enjoy being infertile, but I choose to be thankful. Being infertile led to my beautiful and amazing son. Being infertile led to a lifetime worth of growth and experiences. It also led to finding a voice that so few people can have. Throughout the past few weeks, I have begun to feel strongly that God made me infertile for a reason.
Is it okay that I felt a twinge of sadness when my friend told me she was pregnant? Is it okay that I may feel that way again from time to time? Sure, I am human. I can have a little grace with myself and acknowledge that the grief may take more time than I had planned. It is okay to feel both sadness and joy at the same time.
I am so thankful for the life I live. For the hard times and the mountaintop moments.
Koko