I think people misunderstand overthinking
They assume it’s a lack of trust
That if I ask the same question twice it’s because I don’t believe you
Or that if I need reassurance, it’s because your words weren’t enough the first time
But that’s never really been it
The truth is my mind has spent years trying to get ahead of heartbreak
It pays attention to the little things
The pause before you answer, the shift in your tone
The text that feels shorter than yesterdays
The I’m fine that doesn’t quite feel the same
It’s not because I’m looking for problems
It’s because that somewhere along the way, my brain decided that
If I noticed every little change
Maybe it could stop the next goodbye before it happened
Maybe if I saw it coming it wouldn’t hurt as much
So, when I ask if we are okay
What I’m really asking is, has something changed that I haven’t seen yet
when I wonder if you’re upset
I’m not accusing you of anything
I’m trying to quiet a part of me that spent a long time
Believing love disappears without warning
I know it’s exhausting sometimes
Trust me, it’s exhausting living in it too
I wish my first instinct wasn’t to prepare for loss
I wish my mind didn’t mistake peace for the calm before the storm
I’m learning that not every quiet moment is the beginning of an ending
That not every delayed reply means someone is leaving
That not every bad day has something to do with me
And maybe one day my heart will stop reaching for every worst-case scenario before it reaches for trust
But until then know that every time
I ask for reassurance it’s not asking you to convince me you love me
I’m asking my nervous system to finally believe it’s finally safe enough too
You are safe. You are loved.
KM